I've been sitting in my room the entire weekend. The weather was perfect and I didn't travel further than my kitchen. I've been feeling down for years and its been going in cycles (up, down, up, down, ..)..... but now the cycles have become too heavy to bare. It has become harder and harder to recover.
I've been pushing people away for years now and they have moved on. I've isolated my self.... I am the only one to blame. I have been lonely for so long that I have become "used" to it. When I finally did find someone to share my thoughts, feelings, and day with... It made me feel uncomfortable and I pushed her away. I'm miserable when lonely but insecure/uncomfortable when with someone. Maybe she wasn't the right person... But the result still haunts me.
I am tired... I'm so tired. I'm tired of becoming more and more isolated... I'm tired of not loving myself anymore... It has spread to my love for anything and anyone. I lost interest in people, hobbies, and even quest for knowledge. I've become aimless and lost direction... I don't have anything to live for anymore, I dread the nights thinking about another day.... I dread the morning when I have to take a deep breath and face the world again. I've even lost interest in the world, where once corruption/politics/religion would make my blood flow as I expressed my views.... I now just give up realizing its pointless and hopeless. I've beaten myself into submission and despair.
I'm tired of going to work and putting on a happy face.... When I think about it, it is the only reason I'm still alive. Work is a place where I get to forget my troubles and focus on the task/issue I am faced with. But my smiles and laughs are hollow and empty and I can't go on anymore on these hollow moments of peace ignoring the truth. I'm miserable.
I have no reason to be miserable... I own my own home, a car, I have family around me, I have a job, and I don't have any disabilities. Isn't this enough to make one happy? My entire life something always felt missing... I always filled this void with something.... A hobby, a crush, or even bought things... Never filled the void and the void kept growing and the satisfaction from my efforts kept fading. I've reached a point where I'm not even the same person I was 6 years ago. I think back to how I was, talk to some old friends, and I realized the old me is long gone. The old me was more outspoken, more honest, less secretive, and kinder. I've become cold, logical, emotionless, and I just dont bother explaining anything anymore. I don't see the point.... I don't see the point of existence anymore. I work to make money so I can live..... Then again I live to make money. I'm only 28 and the system has already beaten me. I don't see the point in living like this anymore. Yet I'm too much of a coward to do anything about it... The risk scares me... The comfort in doing the same keeps me on the same path. Change scares me. I've tied myself down and I have no one else to blame.
I used to dream of going to bed and never waking up again... Dream about my own funeral and feel satisfaction at the thought of no one showing up. These dreams filled me with peace and tranquility. But now its not just a dream... It has become a desire, a contant day dream, or a wish. I failed once... I've only become more miserable since.
Why write a blog/journal now? I admit I am 10 years too late to start this.... But let this mark day one. I've reached a point where I can't take it anymore. I've had enough.... I've failed to turn my life around too many times... I've also failed to commit suicide.... I'm experienced enough to know what not to do and I'm tired of living this routine. Today is the day I carve out two pathes.... One path is easy and the other path is long and hard.
I don't need to explain the easy path.
The long and hard path requires dedication and work. I need to begin to love myself again and the only way to do that is to be reborn. I've pushed so many out of my life.... I'm practically starting over again. I don't know if I will succeed in the long and hard path.... But what I do know is that I can't ignore it anymore. It's all or nothing now... One path will be chosen and followed through. Which will it be? I don't know... but I can't stand failure anymore. This cycle needs to break one way or another. I'm exhausted and I'm tired. Death is so appealing...
